I think that for many years I have been denying my feminine nature. I would go so far as to say that I have been fighting against this primal part of who I am. I have found it very difficult to be the woman that I am intrinsically.

I lost a lot of my true self along the way on my life path. I recognize this now and I want to bring the softer, needier, warmer, loving self out from wherever she has been hiding.

I brought my son up alone for many years and therefore had to be all that comes with being a single parent that meant being the sole breadwinner , the nurturer, the disciplinarian, the joker , the guider, the teacher, the voice of reason, the friend, the everything and for many years in playing out all these roles out I have lost the essence of my femininity.

I have been fiercely independent for all my life. I was a late developer in many ways and had short hair and enjoyed being outdoors and doing what at the time were quite male activities, typical tomboy. Always loving to do my own thing, never scared of a challenging situation or to speak my truth to whoever needed it at the time.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and at a time when I still needed guidance through a challenging transition in a young woman’s life.

The divorce was pretty messy and my mother and father to this day do not speak to each other about us (I have a sister) and so that dysfunctional relationship has taken its toll. My mother who is also fiercely independent has passed down an almost cold-heartedness when it comes to her relationships with men; having had a cruel father and a husband who had an affair and tends to think that ‘all men’ are bad in some way.

The protective and sometimes cold defense barrier that I seem to have developed over the years is a deeply rooted family trait, one which I would like to challenge and break free from. I would like to drop my armor plating and allow myself to be loved and to give love fully without fear of this being a weakness. My desire to stand independently does not need to come at the expense of love. I can be both feminine and strong. I don’t have to choose.

So, where do we begin in this journey?

Feminine or yin energy is compassionate, cool, intuitive, creative, passive.

Yang energy by contrast is upward seeking, masculine, restless, active and positive.

I’ve always thought that my energy is very much an even balance between Yin and Yang AND now know that I have been on the Yang side because I had to be. I have always had to engage more with my Yang energy in the life that I have chosen. I now choose to listen more to my Yin energy and see how it feels and how it affects me and my relationships.

Over the past 15 months since leaving my marriage and my country I have listened in to who I really am and what I really want and have done a lot of deep inner work. It has definitely been a pivotal point in my life and I have learned so much about what I truly want and importantly what I don’t want.

I believe it comes from acceptance of ourselves. It come from loving ourselves enough that we don’t need someone else give that to us…it comes from being true and listening to what we really want and need and honoring that without feeling guilty.

It is about accepting of and not having expectations of others, knowing we can only have that of ourselves. It is about open conversations and not assuming anything.

It is about surrendering to the possibilities…

I didn't know it but this work on myself has given me the space to love and honor my own needs and my boundaries AND to allow me to open up and find true connection and love.

More about this next time.

Would love to know your thoughts on this topic.

Laura

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