Perfectionism can be defined as the desire to be or the need to appear perfect.

Are you trying so hard to do everything perfectly that it is in fact stopping you progressing?

Trying so hard to be the perfect partner, the best at work, the prettiest, the thinnest, the funniest, the fittest , the list goes on.

It can be exhausting, and studies have shown that it leads to anxiety and mental health problems.

Why then do we keep striving for the illusive state of perfection I wonder.

From a young age we are taught to strive for perfection. I remember being at school never feeling good enough compared to my very academic peers and finding that because we were marked on a system that falls in favour of academically bright children, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough.

Perfectionism is based in insecurities. It is the never feeling good enough that can have a damaging impact on how we feel about ourselves. It is self-defeating way of being. It holds us back from our true potential and our most productive self.

The perfectionist tendencies can lead to all sorts of mental health issues including, anxiety, depression, over-eating, anorexia, bulimia, chronic fatigue and more.

It is crazy and ironic because we all need to fail and make mistakes in life to learn and grow. We are human after all.

When healthy, perfectionism can help us to strive for what we want and push us towards achieving our goals. On the other end of the spectrum, we can feel that that whatever we do it is never quite good enough, never perfect enough and this can lead to feelings of low self-worth and negative self-talk. It becomes a way of avoiding failure. This is where we need to re-frame. If we are always scared of perceived failure, we can procrastinate and not get tasks done leading to more self-criticism.

Perfectionism is not just something we strive for in ourselves we also want it in others. Our partners, friends, families, and work colleagues. What happens when we have a high expectation of others? We can become easily disappointed with other people because our expectations of them are so high and even unreasonable. We end up feeling disheartened. When in fact it is our model of the world through our own eyes that is making the disharmony.

So what can we do to help let go of the unhealthy perfectionist in us?

We can let go of the comparison mindset that holds us into achieving at an impossible level. The key is to realise that a venture or task or can still be worthwhile and valid even if it is not perfect.

“It’s about rechannelling a strength of yours rather than aiming for a lower goal “says former clinical psychologist Alice Boyes.

Strategies to help

• Stop ruminating, self-regulation can help with this. Notice when you start over thinking, where you are when you start and what triggers you?

• Dwelling on past events/conversations and how they could have gone is a waste of energy. You do not know what is going on for someone else at the time and making assumptions is unhealthy and can lead to the wrong conclusion. Try to learn from these events rather than judge. Alice Boyes says, “you tend to focus on all the bad things”.

• Think positively. Remember times when you have achieved what you wanted and done well without it being necessarily perfect.

• Ask for help, find a trusted friend, mentor or coach who you can be honest with and run by how you are feeling and find out if you are being too self-critical with a project/yourself etc

• Mindfulness and gratitude are amazing tools for calming the brain chatter.

• Use compassionate self-talk. Talk to yourself like you would a best friend.

• Meditation helps us to get back to the present moment where anxiety can’t live.

• Challenge your own negative self-judgement.

• Look at the big picture, is getting the job done better than it being late or dragging on. Is this a better goal?

• Find a distraction, get into flow with something else completely and take your mind away from the constant thinking.

• Journal, keep an honest account of when you feel like you are spiralling.

• Write a list of your strengths and all that you have achieved in the last year.

And remember you are marvellous just the way you are.