Men and the Menopause
Men and the menopause
Menopause is usually associated with women but what about men and menopause?
I am very interested in opening honest conversations about the menopause especially in the workplace and have found through this work that men feel very much ‘in the dark’ about the menopause. I still find it staggering that when I do a talk on menopause so many women have no idea about perimenopause, the years leading up to menopause, it is unsurprising therefore that men are bit confused…..
We are talking about menopause more and there is plenty of ‘chatter’ surrounding menopause in the press and on TV which is certainly good progress, but I still believe it is a taboo subject. There is still a long way to go and progress needs to be made in getting knowledge out to all, so that the menopause phase of every women’s life becomes comfortable to talk about for both men and women.
So how can the menopause effect men?
Through my research into menopause and its effects on relationships I know that it can and does cause divorce and relationship breakups so this has a huge impact on the men in these relationships. Three years ago before I was diagnosed with perimenopause my relationship had deteriorated so drastically that I took the decision to move out of my family home and live on my own for just over a year.
This was not an easy choice to make but I was struggling so much with anxiety and depression and other psychological symptoms that it was the only way I could save my marriage and my own sanity. Through this difficult time my husband was amazing, he supported me and my decision to move out. It was a matter of going through the process. We both knew we didn’t want to get divorced but neither of us knew what the future would hold.
My husband has since said that, “I was totally confused and had no idea what was really going on and it was made even more difficult because my mother had also recently passed away. It was like slipping into a black hole”.
When I hear my husband talk about the impact of how my symptoms were having such a huge effect on him and our family it makes me very sad. I do believe that if I had known why I was feeling the way I was and could have taken the steps to manage my symptoms we would not have got to the stage we did which almost ended in divorce.
This is why I am passionately trying with many other #menovists (menopause supporters) to talk openly about menopause so that men have an understanding of what their partners, friends , daughters and workplace colleagues are going through so that they have the knowledge to deal with and help support this phase of women’s lives.
I also want to be the voice for many men who are genuinely suffering in silence. I spoke to one man who said he thought for sure that the menopause had contributed to the breakup of his marriage and further commented that “It damages relationships”. I also had a conversation with the same man about how midlife in general is a challenging time for him and other men who, on top of dealing with their own changes and feelings around midlife sometimes must support their loved one who is going through menopause. Isn’t it time we started recognising and talking candidly about these important issues and supporting men at this time of life as well as women?
The office for National Statistics (ONS) released an annual summary and the data shows that men aged between 40 and 44 had the highest prevalence of suicide in 2016. I am not saying that menopause has any relevance to this but I believe it is important to know that men are sometimes suffering in silence.
The current middle-aged men demographic tend to sit within two sets of ideals, being brought up in a culture telling them to “man up” and “boys don’t cry” and generally hide their emotions but are now supposed to be emotionally intelligent and open within relationships. This differing expectation is both confusing and challenging. Men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women and maybe this is due to not feeling able to express themselves when feeling upset or angry and hiding stress or worse ‘just getting on with it’ Women tend to talk to friends and family and feel able to open up when feeling vulnerable more so than most men.
So, what can we do? we can change the language and narrative we use with our kids and stop promoting this gender bias. We can be aware that men are also suffering but find it harder to express themselves. We can encourage more safe spaces where men can go and talk with less pressure, Men’s Shed is a brilliant Nationwide association for men to go and make something while being in a sociable environment. And men themselves must be willing to speak up and express themselves and their vulnerabilities and think of this as a courageous move for the good of themselves, their sons, peers and future generations.
Male Menopause
My husband thought I was exaggerating when I told him that some men can and do go through a male menopause, the medical term being Andropause. It is an age related hormonal drop in testosterone production. Most people think of testosterone as the hormone that fuels sex drive which is true but is also responsible for maintaining muscle mass and helps to fuel mental and physical energy. Not all men experience male menopause unlike women.
Common symptoms include:
• Depression and sadness
• Weight gain
• Gynecomastia (Breast development)
• Insomnia
• Low mood
• Low energy levels
• Self confidence issues
• Reduced muscle mass
• Decrease in motivation
• Hot flushes
• Reduced sex drive
• Erectile dysfunction
Most men deal with these issues themselves seldom seeking medical advice because of fear of talking about it or feeling intimidated. There are lots you can do to manage the symptoms yourself including reducing stress levels (easier said than done ) , eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly and trying to reduce alcohol consumption.
Hope this has been useful and please share with any men you think might benefit from reading this. Also please share on social media with the links below. It is important that we continue to raise awareness and spread the message about menopause for men and women.