HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST DISCOVERED YOU WERE IN MENOPAUSE?

During my early to mid forties I was experiencing what I now know where peri menopausal symptoms. And I struggled because I had no idea what was actually happening with my body and my emotions.

But to put it in context I have to go back to the fact that over twenty years I had suffered with gynaecological problems. They discovered that I had C111 cells of the cervix when I was pregnant with my daughter. And throughout the years that followed I had laser treatment , cone biopsies and various surgical procedures so my hormones had been all over the place for ages and I was used to very heavy bleeding and passing blood clots. So when It was actually the start of the menopause that was exacerbating the symptoms I was oblivious to it. I thought that feeling anxious achy and tired was all part and parcel of having the cervix problems and in fact I worried that I had cancer.

My work was so unsympathetic. And being in a newsroom I had to be on the ball even when I was feeling anxious and was bleeding heavily. ( I mean so heavily that I always had a stash of nighttime sanitary pads in the toilets at work and I had to put three in at a time to stop myself flooding. It was so hard to continue working.)
Eventually when my cervix stopped working properly to allow my period to pass out blood clots (it was like the early stages of Labour every month when my period started as the cervix struggled to let blood clots pass!I was on my hands and knees on the bed trying to deal with the pain, often at night ) then I would have to go into work with very heavy painful period and no sleep and too embarrassed to mention it to anyone. Especially to most of the senior staff who were predominantly men.(I was a single mother having to pay mortgage and bills so did not want to lose my job so just kept going. When I look back it was a horrendous time of my life and there was no support.)

HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE IN MENOPAUSE?
I eventually had a total hysterectomy when I was 46 including the ovaries. So I dive bombed into the menopause and that was awful. I felt so lost and depressed not only recovering from major surgery but not knowing what the heck was happening with my emotions and body. 
I did not want to go onto HRT as I had heard so many stories about dangers of getting breast cancer. I thought I would be able to cope. But I was so wrong. 

WHAT STAGE OF THE MENOPAUSE ARE YOU IN?
I am not sure what stage of the menopause I am in after nearly fifteen years because I rely on my HRT to keep me on the right track when I try to reduce it I just feel bad again.

WHAT ARE/WERE YOUR SYMPTOMS?
I went back to work after three months off following the hysterectomy. And that was when the menopause really kicked in. I just felt so depressed. I would say to my teenage daughter that I was going to that dark place and I just did not know how to get out of it. But I refused to believe it was depression I went from someone who was out and about and the life and soul of the party to just lying on the sofa for hours until the early hours of the morning watching rubbish on the TV. I put on a tremendous amount of weight and just hated the way I looked and felt. I began feeling angry all the time and my daughter and I had so many rows and we were normally so close. She has told me since that she used to talk with her friends in the sixth form and they would compare notes about their mothers behaviour and they all came to the conclusion before we did that it was caused by the menopause. I was oblivious of the impact of my behaviour on her.

WHAT EFFECT DID YOUR SYMPTOMS HAVE ON DAILY LIFE?
I found myself making excuses about going out when people would invite me out. I would lie that I had another arrangement and would spend days in bed and eat rubbish and sleep for hours like a student. It was so far removed from my usual way of living but I just could not get myself together. But when I had to I would paint my face on and pretend but then collapse into a heap when I had used up all my energy pretending to make others happy. I got sick of pretending to feel when all the time I just felt numb and on the outside looking in on life.
I would save all my energy to get myself to work and It was a major struggle to get through the working day. I only had a fifteen minute walk to work but I would feel awful by the time I got there and I was thankful I could sit down.sometimes I would go into the toilets at work and sit there with the lid down and have a few minutes power nap because I had no energy.  I would even get a taxi home some nights because I literally did not have the energy to face the walk home. Once inside the house I would flop onto the settee or on my bed. I would have a bowl of cereal or something easy to fix and go to bed. I worked a four day week of ten hour shifts and I lived for my days off when I knew I could recover and spend at least two of those days mainly in bed. As I write this it makes me tearful that I felt the way I did and I had no-one to turn to.I don’t know why I did not talk to friends more but I just felt the need to hide it all from everyone.

I felt a failure that I was not coping. I  Went to the doctors on numerous occasions and they gave me some HRT tablets at one stage but they left me feeling out of it and very spaced out. They even told me that there was a possibility I had fibromyalgia. Some of the male doctors made me feel like I was wasting their time and that I just wintertime of work even when I refused sick notes and said I just wanted to know why I felt so awful. I remember crying in the doctors so may times saying "I am too young to feel this bad, this tired and this weak.”

HAVE YOUR SYMPTOMS EFFECTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS?
I felt lost at work because I knew that I was not performing to the best of my abilities and I was being judged and bullied by my bosses. I am so angry that I let them treat me the way they did but I had no fight in me. It was all I could do to drag myself into work and the pressure of the bullyng just compounded how bad I felt. Eventually I had to take days off just to sleep to try and get through the days I made it into work. I was being questioned about my time off and they insinuated that I was just taking sick days for the sake of it. I was heartbroken because I knew how poorly and exhausted I felt. I knew what an effort it was for me to even get to work when I did. I almost wished that I had cancer so I could give them a solid reason for feeling the way I was. I wanted them to know how much I loved my job normally and that is why I was putting all my energy into getting into work as much as I possibly could. I tried everything to feel better including all kinds of foods and herbal remedies but nothing help
My poor daughter hated seeing me like this and she did not really understand what to do. 

HOW ARE YOU MANAGING YOUR MENOPAUSE?
Finally I got a younger female doctor who was so understanding and she put me on oestrogel and I cannot tell you how that transformed my life. Two pumps a day rubbed into my arms or legs and within weeks I could feel the black cloud lifting. I have to say it took about six months to feel more alive again and to find myself again. But I have not looked back.
I remember looking through the internet searching for help but only finding leaflets that I paid to send off for and they turned out to be the same as the ones you would find in a doctors surgery.
They did not tell you anything about how you ache and feel depressed and lonely and lose confidence and get blinding headaches and don’t want to talk to close family and friends and you hide away.
I was shocked about how little help there was out there and I vowed to try and help women as much as I could. I started talking more openly to family and friends both men and women and teenage children. I could imaging how relationships could break down just because of how the menopause makes you feel. I experienced feeling so angry at life. Everything made me angry and I felt so short tempered. Partly because of my hormonal imbalance and partly because of the fear I felt because I knew how poorly I felt and I could not imagine ever feeling normal again and getting my energy back.

WHAT HAS BEEN THE WORST THING ABOUT THE MENOPAUSE FOR YOU?
The worst thing about the menopause was my working life.  I really struggled to cope and I should have got more help and support and I have to say that the BBC is now really upping its game and it realises that the menopause does impact women at work and it is trying to address the situation. After my experience I spoke openly in the office to older and younger members of staff of both sexes about how I was made to feel when I was going through the worst of the menopause and my frustration and anger at how they treated me and never once sought to see how I was really feeling and what the problem was.They just bulled and judged me when I was not in a fit state to defend myself or understand my actions.

WHAT IS THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF YOUR MENOPAUSE JOURNEY?
One of the best things to come out of the menopause is that I feel more confident to challenge when I think people are not taking the menopause into consideration for how they or members of their family are feeling. I talk freely to anyone who will listen to try and educate people about what to look out for. So many of my friends have been fobbed off with anti depressants and told to go away from doctors and I have supported them pressing for HRT and they have not looked back. 

WHAT DO YOUR WANT OTHER WOMEN TO KNOW THAT MAY HELP THEM GET THROUGH THE MENOPAUSE?
I want to highlight that work places need to take the menopause into consideration when dealing with its workforce. I feel teenage girls should get more education about the menopause because often it is around the time they are teenagers mothers are going through the menopause and the clashes can be awful. But if both parties take into consideration that the menopause might be playing a part in the conflict it may well help the situation. I have also talked to friends husbands and sons to alert them to what happens during the menopause and I have been pleasantly surprised just how receptive they are and they find it helpful. I am thankful that the menopause is being talked about and acknowledged as life changing because it truly is and it is a very scary time for some people including me. I always considered myself a strong woman and able to cope but I was floored by the menopause for a few years. 
Since I reached fifty I have run two marathons, climbed the three Yorkshire Peaks and climbed Mount Mulanje in Malawi and I am currently in my motorhome travelling around Great Britain to challenge ageism and challenge stereotypes of what retired pensioners do and look like. All too often they are depicted by the media as doddery old things with grey hair and hardly able to move. Well I am seeking out adventure and living my best life to dispel those myths and talking and meeting interesting people along the way. When there is not a pandemic! I cannot wait to hit the road again when. AGELESS FEARLESS WOMEN….WE CAN DO IT TOO!

I am still on Oestrogel  I have tried to come off it but I revert back to feeling anxious etc. Since I started my travels in the motorhome I have managed to half the dose of oestrogen to one pump a day. I will eventually do every other day and hopefully I will gradually come off it. I have been taking it now for over ten years.

More about Siobhan

I am 60 years old. I was a nurse for nine years then changed to become a BBC Radio and Television journalist when I was 30 years old. I have been a single mother to my fabulous daughter Sammy since she was four years old.I retired from the BBC last summer and got rid of my flat and most of my possessions and bought myself a motorhome to travel around Great Britain to challenge ageism and challenge stereotypes of what retired pensioners are portrayed as. I was loving my trips and blogging about it when I was stopped in my tracks by the Corona Virus pandemic. I am itching to get on the road again as soon as it is safe to do so. I feel strongly that women should have a voice and particularly older women who increasingly find themselves sidelined in society.

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